Broken Hearts and Promises
by ninemillionhigh
Summary: The twins each write letters that will never be delivered. Kaoru/Hikaru twoshot.
1. Dear Hikaru

Dear Hikaru, you do realize I love you, don't you? You do realize, that even though our little show at the club is just that, a show, that it makes me feel quite good inside, when your hands are fisting in my hair, when your fingers are skimming across my cheekbone?

You do realize that every time you look at Haruhi with _that_ look, the one that screams the love you have for her, my heart breaks just a little more?

Dear Hikaru, when you wrap your arms around me at night in that display of purely brotherly love, I wish it was something more. But, no. I'd never even _think_ about telling you that, because then you wouldn't wrap your arms around me at all. Brotherly love or the real kind.

I look at you, Hikaru, then to Haruhi. By now I've fully convinced myself that you and she would make an absolutely divine couple, a match made in heaven, as they say. I've also convinced myself that the days of daydreaming, wishing you and I could be a couple, were a waste. That you and I, Hikaru, we just wouldn't… work. No matter that our skin is the exact same, that our hair falls exactly the same way each morning. No matter that when you _do_ wrap your arms around me, we practically mold into each other. No matter that we are the _same_.

Because, Mother had always said something like that, hadn't she? "A man needs someone as his opposite, so they could balance each other out beautifully. If someone has too many similarities with you, chances are, the relationship just won't work out as nicely." They were heartbreaking words at the time, Hikaru, but now I see the truth in them. There is no way we could work.

But here I am again, doing what you always say I do, Hikaru. Jumping to conclusions, determining before I had all the facts, making false assumptions. Here I am, Hikaru, saying that had you not loved Haruhi, that you would have immediately come to me. That you would even consider me.

It's silly to be even thinking these things, Hikaru, I know that. But I just feel that if I don't say anything, if I don't leave subtle hints like I do, that I would eventually just explode with anger and sadness and love and scare you away. Because if someone had burst all these things on me, I would run, too.

Those subtle hints, Hikaru, I don't think you really catch on. You're too caught up in the love, I suppose, to note the raw sarcasm in my voice, or the double meaning behind my words. But even when I say 'subtle', they really aren't such; more like… teasing the one you like. But, you see, it's so cliché, so old, so overused, you wouldn't even imagine that, _no_, I didn't really think that Haruhi buying you commoner Ramen was 'the sweetest thing I've ever seen'. That the fact that Haruhi always tying her left shoelace before her right is actually the exact opposite of what I do, and when I say 'Hey, I know someone who does something like that,' you humming distractedly isn't a satisfying answer in the least.

Because you see, Hikaru, _you _are 'the sweetest thing I've ever seen'. And Hikaru, I tie my shoes like that in the slight chance that since you took great care in noticing Haruhi's shoe-tying-pattern, you might notice mine. Since we are just _that_ close, Hikaru.

But, come to think about it, we don't seem very close at all as of late. You used to ask me, even though you knew the answer every time, 'How was your day today, Kaoru?'

And when you said my name, my face would split into a grin, and I would reply in that same carefree tone, 'Just fine, Hikaru. And yours?' And we would carry on a pointless conversation until one of us thought of something that we wanted to talk about.

But now, Hikaru, when you say my name, I cringe just a small bit, knowing very well that you'd rather be saying 'Haruhi'. And when I say your name, I can see that you'd rather be hearing a certain girl with a soft voice say your name, so I've been avidly avoiding using your name lately, to avoid further heartbreak on my part.

Remember how you said that we would always be together, if not physically, then in our hearts? And remember how you used to promise that nothing would ever come between us?

Remember how I said that your first promise, about how we'd always be together, was 'totally cheese ball', but then remember how I wrapped my arms around you and whispered 'okay'?

And remember how you broke both of those promises faster than I could say, 'Please, don't fall for her'?

Yes, Hikaru. Haruhi is the one I'm blaming most of this on, but don't worry; you'll get a fair amount of blame, to settle my aching heart. You didn't even warn me, Hikaru. The first time I saw you look at her like that, I nearly broke down in the Host Club. But I had enough decency to excuse myself to the bathroom, because I wouldn't want you to be seen with a cry-baby brother. Lord help us should your reputation be ruined by me blubbering about how you broke a few promises that you probably don't even remember.

But _I_ remember, Hikaru, and your memory is just as good as mine. But the problem, nearly your only flaw, was that you only remembered things you deemed incredibly important, and they left your mind as soon as they lost importance.

But see, Hikaru? Those promises have remained so startlingly important in my memory that I had half a mind to remind you of them. But I wouldn't.

It would, inevitably, end in more of a heartbreak for me.

I would just like to say, Hikaru, that yes; I've done a fair amount of being completely selfish. But, you see, I have also been incredibly selfless in some situations, seeing as what this is doing to me. But I've always put your well-being to mind, because I love you.

Did you catch that?

I love you.

Now promise me, Hikaru. Never break another promise, because it leads to broken hearts.


	2. Dear Kaoru

Dear Kaoru, you do realizeI love you, don't you? You do realize that I notice how sad you look, when I so much as glace Haruhi's way?

Kaoru, as much as it seems I'm trying to ease my way out of this, out of being with _you_, I swear I'm not. I hope you'll understand why I did this _one _day_, _why I did this _thing_ with Haruhi.

'Thing'. I make it sound something terrible, like we actually did something. But no, what you see is what it is, Kaoru. Just me simply staring at her, trying to keep my eyes off of you actually, and her laughing at a few of my jokes.

Would you like to know how this whole thing began, Kaoru? It all started, that one fateful day, in the Host club. We were surrounded by a horde of girls, and my finger had been traveling down your jaw, my other hand behind your neck. And these feelings started with one simple thought: 'My, Kaoru has nice skin.'

And then I thought, but we have the _same_ skin. Why does yours, Kaoru, feel so much softer? And then my thoughts traveled to last night, when I'd whispered that I loved you, with my arms securely wrapped around you, my body practically molding into yours.

And then I thought of how that sentence, 'my body practically molding into yours', could be horribly misinterpreted, by just the right person with a perverted mind.

And I found myself _liking_ the thought.

That's when I looked away, quite obviously trying to hide my love and lust for you, Kaoru, and my eyes simply traveled to Haruhi, because, no offense to her, but she wasn't exactly a beautiful person. She was a turn-off, to be unnecessarily and brutally honest, and _that's_ why I glanced her way. Not to hurt you, Kaoru.

But I had, I could see that as you walked off, a pitiful excuse; 'Bathroom, excuse me,' if I remember correctly; falling off of your tongue, and a tear already falling down your face, with its soft skin I longed to touch again.

I very nearly ran off to follow you, as I would have done before I discovered my more-than-brotherly-love for you, my brother, my twin.

While you were gone, Kaoru, I began to think. 'This is not right,' I thought. It would turn out horribly in the end. Society in general would not see our love as something 'cute', 'fine', or even 'acceptable'. They would scowl upon us, determining our futures could not be intertwined, in any more than a business-like fashion.

They would pull us apart, Kaoru, not even caring about how we loved each other, and they would laugh as soon as we cry. There were already some words floating around; 'fag', 'incest', to name a few; from our show at the Host club. The words killed me, Kaoru, and I'm sure they'd have the same affect on you, had you taken the time to listen.

But you, Kaoru, you. You never listened, nor cared, about what others had to say, and I'd always loved you for that. But this one time, I wish you'd open your ears, just for a second, to see what the remainder of our lives would be, had we been together. Name calling shamelessly, and very nearly snorting at our presence.

So, as I sat in the host club, I thought up a plan. You always said plans and schemes were my strong point, and that's why I came up with all the acts at the Host club.

My plan, Kaoru, would hurt both me and you, but in the end, it would be best for you. I would have just gotten a girl to ask you out, if I hadn't known that you would immediately shoot her down, causing for heartbreak. So instead, Kaoru, I'm doing this. Because it's the only way you'll listen.

I decided that since you already had such a strong feeling that I adored Haruhi, I'd play my part. I'd go with this, just until you moved on to someone better for you.

Kaoru, you don't have to leave such strong hints that you loved me. I already knew, and I wouldn't; couldn't; do anything about it. Yes, I noticed that you don't particularly enjoy commoner Ramen, but did you have to get snappy when I said that Haruhi's gesture was sweet? I'll admit, 'sweetest thing I've ever seen' _was_ stretching it a bit. But your sarcasm, Kaoru, that wasn't very sweet.

I know that I make you upset when I ramble about Haruhi, but that's exactly why I do it. Maybe if you get frustrated enough, you'll hate me.

It's better than you loving me, and us getting ripped apart.

And in the Host club, you'll say something about how we're the same, and I'll scowl. I know your thoughts immediately blame Haruhi for this answer, but really, it Mother.

"A man needs someone as his opposite, so they could balance each other out beautifully. If someone has too many similarities with you, chances are, the relationship just won't work out as nicely."

Kaoru, if I could, I'd like to say that these words are utter bull-shit. A man could have somebody his opposite, to balance him out.

Or a man could have someone exactly like himself; his mirror image, say; and he wouldn't need _balance_; what kind of man wouldn't get along with _himself_?

But see, Kaoru, this is why we cannot be together. I am neither same nor opposite as you. You, Kaoru, are a beautiful person, inside and out, with absolutely no exceptions. I see you every day, Kaoru, and I think, 'If only I was as beautiful as him, then maybe…'

I touch your cheek, feel my own, and I think, 'Why is my skin so coarse compared to his? Why can't I be the same?'

I think of all the good things you've ever done, and my head is overwhelmed. I try to think of one, just one, bad thing you've done, and my mind comes up with absolutely nothing. My mind is so blank, that I think I'm brain dead, and the only thing I can think to being dead is, 'Kaoru. Will he be better off now?'

You, Kaoru, are on my mind so much that it is terrifying.

Remember, Kaoru? When we were lying down, late at night? I made you a few promises, do you remember?

Do you remember that to my first promise, your answer was 'That's totally cheese ball, Hikaru'? This I remember, and it almost made me cry. Did that mean that you didn't mutually feel that we should always be together? But then when you whispered, pulling me close and falling asleep nearly right after, 'Okay,' and my heart swelled. I said, 'I love you,' but I think you were already asleep.

And then, I promised nothing would ever come between us. It may seem like it, but to this day, nothing has. Not Haruhi, not Mother, not that petty fight we had over chocolate ice cream one day. Nothing.

It may seem like I broke these promises, Kaoru, but I haven't. You'd need a view from my side of the game board to understand that, though.

But maybe, this is for the best. Maybe this will help you become less attached. I hope so, really, I do.

And right now, Kaoru, as I'm looking back, I'm thinking, 'I should just give this up. It will get me nowhere.' And that's what makes me plow ahead eagerly, that although it's getting _me_ nowhere except a broken heart, it's getting you, eventually, a life free of teasing and hatred.

It's all for you, Kaoru. All of it.

But, just make me one more promise, Kaoru, and you are never allowed to break this one.

Promise me, Kaoru, that you will break my heart and move on.


End file.
